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09:26:38 - 2000-06-02

WHITE TRASH MILLIONAIRES WALLOWING IN DOG SHIT

So, I'm watching "Millionaire" last night because it's my civic duty as an American, and this lady from Opelika, Alabama wins and gets in the hot seat.

Opelika (pronounced "oh-pull-like-uhhh")is about 45 minutes from my house, so it was almost like a neighbor had made it on there.

Did y'all see this lady?? Sooooo pathetic.

First off, she gets up there with your typical Alabama white trash excuses as to why she's there.

"I'll tell ya Reege, it's been a tough year," she starts.

"Oh shit," I say to the wife. "I bet she got laid off from a job from the Russell Corporation."

(Russell is the makers of sportswear...had a big factory in Opelika, laid off hundreds of people last year)

"I got laid off muh job at the factory I worked at and haven't been able to find a job since. That's why I'm here."

Oh holy shit. Oh holy hell.

I had to be proud. A fuckin' unemployed Alabama redneck had made it to the hot seat and was about to bring home $200 or so and make our fine state proud.

I dabbed my eyes to wipe away the liquid pride.

She even said she was going to school at Auburn University in Montgomery, which is just four miles from my house.

I had my hometown pride just a' beaming.

She did pretty good. Granted, she looked like your typical trailer trash shoved into a Walmart pant suit, but it's all about the brain power on "Millionaire" baby. This ain't no fashion show. And our little Alabama queen had enough brain power to get out of the starting block.

She made it to $16,000 and then had to phone a friend on the $32,000 question.

Her friend was an old professor. Typical Alabama professor.

After the call, Regis made the comment that she and her professor had a strange relationship because he kept calling her "honey" and "darlin'".

Sorry Reege. That's how we talk down here, darlin'. I didn't see nuttin' wrong wid it.

She screwed up on the $64,000 question, so she walked with $32 grand. When asked what she was going to do with the money, she said she was going to fix the water pump in her car.

Say it with me folks ....

"ONLY IN ALABAMA".

*********************

My dog finally got caught taking a dump in somebody's yard yesterday.

During our walks, my dog has about five places she really enjoys shitting. I told my wife that her shitting spots are like community bulletin boards for dogs. She sniffs around and smells what other dogs have peed or shat there, then she adds her two cents to the conversation by dropping her bomb and we all walk away happy.

Yesterday, she decides to make a business deal in the front of this nice house. The owner takes good care of his yard...all the bushes trimmed...he's got green grass during a drought...never puts his cars up on blocks in the yard ... his yard is the shit.

I think Maggie likes it there because the green grass tickles her ass while she craps.

So yesterday...for the first time in 4 years, she gets caught shitting in someone's yard.

Just as she started hunching her back up, the lady of the home walked out the front door and saw us.

Correction: Saw Maggie pinching a loaf in her front yard.

Of course, I'm mortified. These people go to all this trouble to make their yard beautiful, and I'm allowing my dog to just fertilize it herself.

The lady started to say something, but instead she got in her car and started it. I was pulling Maggie like a dentist pulling a rotted tooth, but she wouldn't budge. It's amazing the strength a dog can exert when getting her ass tickled while pooping.

Finally, Maggie decided she was done and we hauled ass while the lady sat in her driveway.

I know she told her husband last night that a man just let his dog take a crap in their yard.

And I know they're going to be looking for me for a few weeks.

Looks like it's time to reroute the morning walk.

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