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5:29 a.m. - 2002-05-24




Damn guys...I had no idea you people would get the concept of bad poetry down so quickly.

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, reading over everyone's entries. There is some truly TRULY funny shit there.

As we should have all figured out by now...I hate picking favorites. Every one of the poems on the site are jewels and hilarious in their own right. But when I read this one, something came out my nose. I'm not exactly sure what it was ... but it was nothing that had ever come out of my nose before. Maybe I'll write a poem about it.

The last couple of weeks, after Wendigo and I thought this might be a good idea after all, I started having second thoughts about it and that maybe it was something that was amusing in passing during a conversation but wouldn't translate as well all written down.

I was wrong. If Suck Ass Poems doesn't crack your ass up at least once ... you dead, sista!!

Thanks to everyone that's contributed so far. And by all means...keep it up. I wanna see some more weird stuff coming out my nose.

I once again solidified my standing as "Daddy of the Year" last night.

Susie wanted to go to Walmart to do our Friday Walmart excursion a day early. Yes...we go to Walmart every Friday night. It's kinda a tradition. Bite me.

But since we're in summer reruns now, there was nothing keeping us glued to the tube last night. So we went a night early.

Got it? I mean...are you following me so far? Heaven forbid I leave some of you slow-witted bastards behind on this story....WE WENT TO WALMART LAST NIGHT.

Mama's looking at baby clothes and Andrew's getting bored. So Daddy makes up a new game for him.

Daddy lifts Andrew high above his head, as high as Daddy's arms will stretch. Andrew is now seven and a half feet high in the air. He can see all around the store from this position.

Then, Daddy unbuckles his elbows and Andrew comes falling to the floor at an alarming speed, landing gently on his feet since Daddy still has a grip on Andrew and wouldn't let him free fall to the floor.

...I know what you're thinking. wasn't THAT bad...

So we do this about ten times. Andrew's digging it. He's laughing, giggling and getting back in line to do it again as quickly as the ride is over.

So we do it one last time. Daddy's arms are getting tired.

The last time, everything goes off without a hitch. Andrew lands safely on his feet and laughs.

Daddy removes his hands from around Andrew's waist, now that he's safely on the ground.

Andrew promptly takes a step, loses his equilibreum and lands face first on the carpet.


I mean...that's the sound it made. Not a "thump". It was definitely a "thunk". The sound of baby skull hitting cheap carpeted floor.

Andrew wants to cry, but he has that look on his face where he's in shock and is trying to catch his breath to let out the mother of all screams.

Finally, it comes.


I've already picked him up and have him resting on my shoulder, patting his back gingerly and whispering "Shhhhhh" to him, hoping that will calm him down.

Uhhhhh...the kid just took a nose dive straight into the floor of Walmart. There's very few ADULTS who could do that and walk away without crying.

So he's wailing away while I'm apologizing profusely and telling him I love him while patting his back.

Susie's cool to all this. She's like "What's up with the kid?" She didn't see the kid smack the floor. She didn't hear the "thunk". She didn't instantly think "Ohmigod, I just gave my kid the gift of permanent brain damage".

Here's the amazing thing with this kid...I sing "Rock-A-Bye Baby" to him as gently as I can...and everything's automatically better. He could be bleeding profusely with parts of his skull poking out of his eye socket. One verse of "Rock-A-Bye Baby"....he's quiet as a mute mouse.

By the time we left there, he was running around, checking out all the balloons, pointing at them and calling them by name.

"Unnngh," he says.

"That's right," I say. "Unnnngh, indeed."

He's so smart.

I feel really really weird.

With this being Memorial Day weekend, it marks the biggest party weekend this city ever sees.

It's Jubilee Weekend.

And I'm not going.

This is really strange because every year for the last five or six years, I've made a habit of going, getting as wasted as humanly possible and having the best time of my life.

This year? Things have changed.

I guess I've grown up. I don't need to be getting trashed in the streets of our town and risk running into someone from church. I'd be slobbering all over them ... "You know what? I've never tol' you thish before, but you RAWK!! You kick God's ASS!!!"

Nope. Don't need to be doing that.

Some of the best times I've ever had in my life happened at Jubilee. I've gotten plastered and forced Kool and the Gang to sing "Celebration" with me in the elevator. Same with the Ohio Players, only I made them sing "Roller Coaster" with me. I hung out backstage at Cheap Trick. I hung out with Morris Day from The Time and "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back". I've kissed strange men on the lips. I've done many things I wouldn't dare print here.

But I have printed some stories. This is a recap of my wild three-day weekend from 2000.

Here's the concert schedule, if you're interested to see which bands are coming. I would link the site, but I don't want the Jubilee committee finding me here, since I have friends down there. much as I'd love to go...none of my old cronies will be down there.

Mattie Gee will be there, but his band, The Spicolis will be kicking the weekend off on one of the stages, so he'll be too busy to get smashed and go kiss strange men on the lips.

It's our Mardi Gras.

And I'm not going.


I'm getting old.

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Have you read these?

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That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

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