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6:25 a.m. - 2006-02-27


Yesterday I'm in the shower and I start thinking "What would be the ideal day?"

And this is what I came up with:

Stay in bed all day and watch movies and read.

Around 5:00, get up, start up the grill, throw on steaks and baked potatoes and then eat.

Afterwards, return back to bed and watch movies and read.

And I want clean sheets on the bed because nothing ... NOTHING ... feels better than clean sheets on the bed.

While thinking all this, I came up with I thought was the mother of all ideas.

I got out of the shower, dressed and walked out to the den.

"Honey," I said to my wife because I either always call her 'Honey' or 'Mama', "I want to have an important discussion with you."

She looked worried which was what I was going for.

"Uhhhhh ... okay," she said slowly.

"When I took on this fourth job (which I'll write more about tomorrow), we decided that the money from that would go towards paying off our credit card debt ... correct?"


"Well, I want to change that."

"To what?"

"What have you always said you wanted? Always? Ever since we first moved in together 20 years ago? What is it?"

She thought for a second.

"A guy with a bigger penis?" she asked with a great deal of hope in her voice.

"No ... the other thing," I said. "And by the way, most women say size doesn't matter."

"Most women aren't having to stare at your penis and act excited," she shot back.

"C'mon ... what have you always wanted? It's what every woman wants."

"A husband that doesn't play stupid guessing games every time he wants to hold a conversation?"

"Nope. Guess again."

"I give up."

"Smart move. How would you like ................. a maid?"

Her eyes didn't light up like I was expecting them to.

"A maid??"

"Yeah. Once a week, have someone come to the house to do the laundry, vacuum, dust, mop the floors, do the dishes, clean the windows and whatever else maids do."

"I thought that money was going towards paying the credit cards off."

"Which is a great idea," I said assuredly. "But we both work an awful lot of hours and at the end of the day, neither of us feels like coming home and cleaning. And those lazy nights turn into lazy weekends which turn into lazy months and ... and ... and ... the kitchen floor doesn't get mopped for months."

"Hmmm," she said. "How about this ... rather than spend the money on a maid ... how about I do everything a maid would do and you pay me?"

"That's not going to happen," I snorted. "No offense or anything, but your housekeeping skills are sorely lacking."

(My wife has an empty Diet Coke can on her nightstand. It's been there since October.)

"Maybe I just need some initiative," she said. "Maybe if YOU PAID ME I'd do it."

"Okay fine," I said. "If you can do everything a maid can do every single week, I'll pay you whatever a maid would cost."

"Cool," she grinned.


Foolish woman.

Because I KNOW that she'll take the money she earns and puts it towards paying off the credit card bills. That's her number one financial priority right now.

So, in essence, I just got free maid service for the rest of my life.

When will she ever learn?

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