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5:40 a.m. - 2001-08-23

OLDER BUT HARDLY WISER

I'm old and decrepit.

First off...I can pinpoint the exact SECOND that I started getting a sore throat yesterday. I was sitting at my desk and I went to swallow at 3:12 p.m. It's not like I was swallowing broken glass or anything...just swallowing the excess saliva that had formed in my mouth which is a common occurance amongst mammals so don't think I'm some kinda sicko walking around with my cheeks bulging from a gullet full of saliva.

So I swallow. And there's a tinge of pain.

Awwww hell.

Susie's had a sore throat now for about ten days. God bless my wife, she doesn't complain about body aches at all. She just casually mentions "I've got a sore throat" and that's the end of it.

Me?

A sore throat=Diary entry

After that first swallow, I wanted to make sure I wasn't imagining things. So I start to swallow quicker. If someone had walked into my office while I was doing this I feel quite sure I woulda been on the receiving end of a Heimlich maneuver because I HAD to look like I was choking to death.

So I'm sitting at my desk...gulp, gulp, gulp...and the pain is getting more and more intense with every swallow.

As any halfway intelligent doctor would instruct you at this point...quit swallowing so much and the pain will go away.

Unfortunately...there was no halfway intelligent doctor hanging around in my office reading coffee table books, so I just kept swallowing.

So I get home last night first. Susie comes home a little later.

"How was your day," she says out of common courtesy.

I point to my throat. "Pain," I croak out.

"Sore throat?" she asks after a long sigh.

I nod my head yes and wait for the sympathy fest to start.

No sympathy fest tonight, pal.

She started babbling about her day while my sore throat got put on the back burner.

A few hours go by and I'm on the floor playing with Andy. Andy has a new game where he sucks his cheeks in, making what would commonly be called "a fish face", then he kisses me on the mouth and laughs.

So we're kissing. We're getting about as hot and heavy as a father and son can get without breaking any laws. When I remember my sore throat and realize I'm probably passing sore throat germs to my son, even though we're just barely brushing lips and this is not a full force Indian tongue wrestling game.

So I instruct him to stop kissing Daddy.

He doesn't like this because kissing Daddy is a game to him and he enjoys playing games.

So he starts to cry. I feel bad and decide that it's time he wrapped his lips around a nipple rather than Daddy's mouth.

I go to hand him to Mama and my lower back shoots out enough pain to keep an entire retirement home bitching for a year.

"Owwwwwwwwwww," I cry out, almost dropping the baby.

"Are you okay?" Susie asks.

Yeah hon...just fine. I ALWAYS scream OWWWWW when I'm feeling great. It's easier than screaming "I FEEL GREAT!!"

So now, I've got a sore throat and my lower back is knotted up and twisted.

I'm old, I'm tellin' ya.

And being old positively sucks.


On the flipside of that, I made the coolest mix CD yesterday.

It's called "Y'allternative II: The Sequel" and it's a bunch of artists who aren't necessarily known for making country music doing country songs.

Of course, there's a few country artists on there just doing flat-out cool songs. But for the most part...alternative artists doing semi-country tunes.

I don't like country music. At least...not today's country music. I couldn't name one Vince Gill song or Dixie Chicks tunes either.

But I love it when alternative artists turn their amplifiers down and sorta make fun of country music.

As I get older, I'm getting more appreciation for the genre, which is kinda scary.

So now...I'm not only getting old and decrepit...but my musical tastes are changing.

God help me.

Anyway...IF you have time on your hands, a CD burner and are a card carrying member of some MP3 trading sites...download all the songs from Y'allternative II and make your own copy of it and tell me that ain't the coolest disc ever.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Thank me later.


Watched a bit of the movie "Colors" last night.

For those of you who are scratching your head, trying to remember what movie I'm talking about...Robert Duvall...Sean Penn...two L.A. cops busting gang members ... made in 1988.

I watched it because a friend of mine is in it. His name's Mark and in 1988 he went to Hollywood to try his hand at acting.

"Colors" contains his breakthrough performance. In the movie, he plays a guy eating in a restaurant that a motorcycle comes crashing through.

Mark is the guy getting up from his table and running.

Yeah. It was a major part for him. A groundbreaking performance that was right up there with my Oscar-nominated role as a guy walking through an auditorium from a few years back.

I've gotta be honest...I couldn't pick Mark out. For one thing...I didn't meet him until the mid-90s, so I had no idea what he looked like in 1988.

For another thing, there's about a dozen people getting up from their tables and running and the scene moves so quickly that it's hard to distinguish who's who when you only have 0.2 seconds to scan the crowd.

I'm sure it was a great performance though. Mark is really good at playing the scared restaurant patron.

He's such a talented young man.


Alright Moms...Up In Blue needs some help.

Her 13 month old boy won't eat and she needs advice from people who have been there. As she puts it..."What in the world do you do when your 13 month old stubbornly decides not to eat for days on end and only wants milk from his sippy cup? Do you think you can send a few helpful hints my way? "

Ya'll helped me with Andy's sleeping problems. Now give her a helping hand.

Does anybody else see this site turning into a parental co-dependency website?

Wouldn't that be a hoot? We go from speaking about the unspeakable things Uncle Bob talks about to discussing our kids and how to get them to grow into healthy, smart kids?

Yeah right. There's enough sites out there for that.

...But there's not near enough sites for an old guy like me to whine about his throat and back and talk about his dog's ass and perverted nephews at length.

I think I'll keep it just like it is, thank you very much. Let the experts dish out the baby advice. I'm an expert on stinky dogs. It's my specialty.


Edweird and I went to lunch with a guy even newer than me in the company yesterday.

It was really a nice little lunch. I had to talk Edweird into going to lunch with the guy because, as I put it...he's new in town...he's new at the business...he doesn't know anybody and it would just be a nice thing to do.

So we went and all had a good time. It was kinda funny because the new guy kept calling me "Sir", which is probably due to my excessive and rapid aging along with the bald spot from hell.

Say what you want about bald spots...but they command respect from new people in the company.

Once I explained to him that I had only been at the company a few weeks more than he had, I think he realized he could drop the "Sir" crap. I was no more important than him at this stage.

But he's a good guy and I'm really glad we went with him.

So all of you out there...if you have someone new start at your business, invite them out to lunch with you and your co-workers. The new person doesn't have any friends at the business and is dying to make new friends. Nobody gets hurt by it and everyone walks away feeling better.

You know...unless the new guy's a psycho and has been caught "accidently" walking into the ladies room on more than one occasion because he "can't remember which bathroom is which".

Then...you know...call the cops or something.

Look at me.

I'm old.

I'm decrepit.

My music tastes are changing.

And I'm actually starting to show compassion for my fellow man.

God.

This growing old stuff is weird.

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