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5:59 a.m. - 2004-09-13


I don't care what anyone says.

I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER found Sarah Jessica Parker the least bit sexy or attractive.

I know she's the heroine to millions of single women who watched "Sex In The City" religiously like Floridians watch the Weather Channel.

And I know there are countless people out there who get under the covers at night and start abusing their wee-wees while visions of a naked Ms. Parker cavort in their warped brains.

But I just don't get it.

Her new commercial for GAP with Lenny Kravitz confirms it for me.

She's supposed to be some sexpot in the commercial and I find myself either changing the channel or forcing myself to watch Kravitz over her.

I'm sure she's probably a sweet person in real life.

Most ugly people are.

It must be Monday, because once again, my local weather guy is openly stroking his manhood on television as he warns us all to go out and buy water and non-perishable food because "this time" the hurricane is coming straight for us.

Unlike the last two times when he swore the hurricanes are coming straight for us and then all we got was a few clouds.

Nope ... this time it's for real, kids. He knows he let us down the last two times, but this time he KNOWS he's right.

In my own little protest against the ignorance that passes as weathermen around here, I've stocked up on cardboard to tape over my windows, will be taking photos of my windows with cardboard taped to them, and sending them to the TV station.

"HA!" I say to the local weather guys. "I'm tired of listening to your psychobabble!"

However ... even Al Roker is backing them up this time.

And I respect the Roker.

So it looks like someone other than myself will have the last laugh this time.

Here's a story for you. Take a sip of that coffee, and hunker down.

When I took over my current job as a club DJ, the first thing I had to do was fire the DJ that was working at the club and take her place.

I'm not a big fan of firing people. I've done it in the past and I'll probably do it again before they're shoveling dirt on my permanent sleep box ... but it's nothing I relish.

So the girl worked three nights under me before I went in with my sad face and said "I hate to do this, but I've got to let you go."

My boss told me to tell her to blame it all on him. He's in Texas, he had received several complaints about her, the club manager wanted her gone and the customers weren't thrilled with her either.

So I was allowed to say that the firing came from Texas and not me.

Even though the three nights she worked under me proved to me that she was the absolute worst DJ I had ever heard in my life.

Her idea of DJing was to put on a CD ... let's sayyyyy ... "The Bodyguard" soundtrack ... and just let it play while she went outside to smoke cigarettes with all the men.

Ummmmmm ... and we're PAYING you to do that???

So she was dumped. Fired. Banished from the DJ booth. Told she sucked wet donkey farts and sent packing. Handed a hamburger and a map and told to hit the road.



Not so fast, fat DJ guy.

This girl has been in the club EVERY SINGLE NIGHT since she's been fired back in April.

Now ... usually when I get fired, I have the common sense not to just "hang out" around the place I've been fired unless I'm planning strategies on how best to burn the damned place down.

She acts as if she's temporarily given the spot to me for the time being and that she'll be back in the booth soon.

Which isn't happening to the best of my knowledge. The club manager is much happier with me than her, the customers like me better, the employees say it's night and day between the two of us and everyone's thrilled.

By now, even the fired DJ girl is over the fact that she was let go and doesn't even mention it anymore.

But here's the kicker ... I'm really uncomfortable around her since I'm the one who fired her.

And even though I was told to do so, I fired her so that I could have her job and make her money. Granted, I was hired as her replacement, but still ... I feel bad about it.

So every night she's in the club and every night she comes into the DJ booth from which she was fired and ... well ... she flirts with me.


She tells me she "loves" me at least 2-3 times a night.

She wears low-cut blouses that show off her ample bosom and miles of cleavage.

She talks about how sexy she is and how she knows what men want and she knows how to give it to them.

Every Karaoke night, she sings "Come See About Me" by the Supremes and stares at me while she sings it.

And she is sooooooo not my type.

Granted, I'm married to a wonderful woman and have an awesome kid and life is basically good for me.

But even if I were single and desperate, I STILL wouldn't want anything to do with her.

Without going into much detail ... she is the polar opposite of my ideal woman.

Friday night, while I'm trying to work the crowd, she comes up to the DJ booth, walks in and is standing mere inches from me while I'm on the microphone.

I shut the mic off and turn to her.

"Will you play my song?" she asks all coy.

I decided weeks ago that I'm tired of being nice with her.

"Which song is that?" I asked. "You have about a dozen songs that you call 'yours'."

"The Los Lonely Boys song, silly!" she says.

"Yeah, sure. I'll play it," I said with no enthusiasm.

"Oh Uncle Bob ... I LOVE YOU!" she says as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in close for a very uncomfortable hug in front of everyone.

Now keep in mind ... while I try my hardest to come across as an asshole on this website ... bashing everyone from neighbors to in-laws and all persons in-between ... I try to go through life without rocking the boat in social situations in real life.

I know that if I were to say "Look Tina ... I DON'T love you. I'll never love you. I'm married with child. Please quit hitting on me", she'd say "You idiot. I'm not hitting on you. I'm just trying to be nice."

Which is probably the way it is and I'm just reading wayyyy too much into it.



So anyway, there's a story with no ending and no moral.

Hardly a story, I know.

I just had to get it off my chest.

I'm in bad shape.

The whole right side of my mouth (bottom level) has been aching since Friday night.

I can't even pinpoint the pain, but I think that I've got a wisdom tooth coming in.

However, I had my wisdom teeth removed about ten years ago.

Is it possible for another wisdom tooth to grow where one's already been pulled?

I feel something sharp poking through my gum and it hurts like hell.

Anyway, I'm calling my dentist today and crying into the phone until they let me come in today.

And to top THAT off, I have an ingrown hair.

Here's the kicker ... it's inside my F'N EYE.

I told Susie I thought I had a sty in my eye. She asked me to pull my ... uhhhh...the skin under my eye down.

I don't think there's an official name for that part of your body, is there?

So anyway, I pull it down and she says "You have a hair in your eye. Oh God! It's an ingrown hair! IT'S GROWING INSIDE YOUR EYE SOCKET!!!"

Yes, I'm now a modern-day Frankenstein. Hairs growing inside my eye and teeth growing where teeth have no business growing.

And yet ... somewhere out there, a girl I fired STILL wants to do the nasty with me badly.


I DID manage to get an ending to the story in there!

Go me!!!

(It took me long enough...huh?)

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