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09:24:01 - 2000-12-05

WHY I THINK I SHOULD BE THE KING OF QUOTED

I think it was Mark Twain who once said "You know...that Uncle Bob guy ... he sure doesn't get quoted much, does he?"

After years of being America's # 72,314 humorist several years in a row, you would THINK Quoted would give me a line or two in its little Quoted World.

But I'm still more obscure than a Black Sabbath record in a nun's record collection.

I've decided today to give the fine, handsome people at Quoted a hand in picking out some notable quotes of mine from over the many years (maybe even more than Mark Twain ... I'll get back with you on that...). If any of these quotations pop out at you, feel free to use it in your everyday conversation. No charge. Really. Do it.

... On ordering a Flowbee off television Four to six weeks later, the UPS man dumped the box on my front door step and ran like hell. That shoulda been an omen right there. Except I was about as aware as Helen Keller to all the signs around me.

...On my unborn child's genitals If it's a boy, I hope he's hung like a horse. God knows I don't want him to go through the same grief yer ol' Uncle Bob did in gym class.

... On meeting Burt "Robin" Ward at the age of nine He signed the photo "To Jim, Julie and Kristi ... ZAP! BOOM! POW!! Burt Ward". I bet that thing would be worth five bucks today.

...On shopping for a computer Frankie Fartbreath goes to ring me up and has bad news.

"Uncle Bob, we don't have the Sony Triniton in stock. I have one on its way here today and I will call you when it gets here."

"Tell ya what there, Dogfuck Breath," I sighed. "You do that. I'll be sittin' at home all fuckin' day waiting on yer call...capiche??"

We agreed and parted ways.

...On the first time I ever masturbated The other picture was of a disgusting old drunk woman with an eye patch and a hook for an arm. It was from some movie whose name escapes me. This woman had one wrinkled breast hanging out of her dress.

We had tit. And we had ass. Houston, we have liftoff.

... On the rigors of writing a weekly humor column Funny thing about newspapers these days...they don't like it when the humor column contains the "F" word.

... On urinating blood I think that peeing blood is nature's way of saying "Hey ... quit eating so many pencils you dumb shit."

...On planning my day I don't have much planned for the day. I wanna go by Sam's to eat free samples of food all day. I like taking my cart and using it as a battering ram to get to the free sample ladies, where I can slurp Dixie cups full of gumbo until I puke.

...On greeting an old friend After the handshaking, hugging, kissing and lengthy crotch massaging session was finished, the station manager asked what I was doing there at his radio station.

...On the activities leading up to my worst date ever"Would you like to grab a bite to eat before the concert?"

"Sure, that sounds great? Can we go to Sir Pizza?"

My stomach began rumbling at the word "pizza". A mild rumble. Probably just nerves.

"Sure. I had pizza for lunch that almost ripped my colon to shreds about 45 minutes ago ....but yeah...pizza sounds great..."

...On my dancing skills Oh baby. I'm one hot mover and shaker, lemme tell ya. When I dance, traffic stops. Mainly to see if I need any medical assistance, but it stops nevertheless.

...On bisexuality, Anyway...more power to y'all. Get it out of your system or cling to it for life. Personally, I'd rather take my chances with the Secret Service and bum rush Bill Clinton for a dry hump before I ever blew a guy. But that's just my opinion.

...On celebrating stupid anniversaries I always hate "one month" anniversaries. Because even though they mark a small milestone, I always feel so stupid celebrating them. It's kinda like the joy you get with a particularly impressive bowel movement. You really wanna share it with everyone, but deep down, you know that nobody really cares.

...On my "too-personal" bug manSo the guy SITS DOWN at my kitchen table and begins to tell me about other customers who have gotten on his nerves lately.

I'm like...what the hell are you doing, bug guy??? Get up, finish spraying my damned house and hit the bricks, Rudy. This ain't a fuckin' therapy session, jiggy.

And of course ... I have random quotes from out of my humor column.

...On 80's tv series "The Facts Of Life"

"Mrs. Garrett's thighs are bigger than William "Refrigerator" Perry."

... On national politics)"The President's life is a lot like a dog's life. Well ... no it's not. Not really."

... On dining at Thai restaurants

"I ordered sweet and sour chicken. They brought me fried fire."

... On learning about the birds and the bees

"When I was 14, Mom bought me a book called "What's Happening To Me?" and made me read it at a Greek pizza parlor. I ran across the pictures of what my body was supposed to look like at 14, and became horribly depressed for many years."

...On the dangers of rusted fencing

"The last thing you want to do is let a jagged piece of rusty barbed wire pierce your skin when you're running from the police."

...On discussing a particular meal ...It was gross. Kinda like eating a moose embryo.

...On discovering my car's bald tiresWe go out to the parking lot and metal wires are coming out of my tires. It looks like my car was designed by the Marquis De Sade.

...On getting older Two days in a row now, I've gotten out of bed and my back feels like Oprah Winfrey had done the entire production of Riverdance on it.

With quotes like these, is there any doubt that I should be the official King of Quoted??

Hmmmm???

Even though I'm not...shouldn't I??

C'mon...you can tell me ... I can take it.

And you can quote me on that...

__________________________________________

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